I mean don't get me wrong: a week spent in class in the next building
over is another week where I'm not pestered to answer obvious
questions, by people who are both unqualified and unmotivated to do
their jobs. Not to mention, most of whom get paid more than me. So
it's a good thing. But it's like, when your class has the word
"enterprise" in the title TWICE, you know you're in for a week of
worthless shit ("enterprise" being IT buzzword for, basically,
bullshit that is way over-complicated because it sounds good to
management).

And literally, even if it were useful or interesting, the shit I am
learning is useless to me, because I work for the government and we're
still on the fucking Mainframe, so good luck on us ever using modern
technology. I mean we're modern-ish and lots of people I actually
respect in the organization are making sure things aren't totally
decrepit but, it's a continuous losing battle.

And then it occurs to me that like, even if I got to use modern
technology, or do things which are interesting, it's just a job to me.
If someone would pay me to write, or to make photographs, or to be an
asshole on the internet, I'd jump on it, because I love those things
in a way which I don't really love programming. It's yet another part
of my life that I sort of, got into because it was there and because
it worked for me at the time, and now I'm just still with because of
habit, and the reality that it's what I know and what I have
experience in, and that's it.

Which isn't to say any of that is a bad thing, because it's not. I
thank all my lucky little stars that I have a job. I paid my dues, of
course, when the entire IT industry was a clusterfuck and I was
unemployed for months and then probably years. But still, I'm stable
now, and I'm glad for it. Which isn't to say I'm particularly strongly
tied to where I am or who I work for, or that I wouldn't try to do
something else with my life... Hell, I've changed everything else
around, why not that?

But despite the fact that it's useless shit, I still do like being in
a pseudo-class, and learning. I don't know that I'd particularly want
to go back, so really I am just being pissy about the fact that I gave
up that chance for no real reason. More sacrifices in the name of
something I sacrificed a fuck of a lot too much for and am now only
being made to feel bad for.

I don't feel bad, though. So there's that. I did what I did, and now
I'm done. I don't know what will happen in the future. I have some
ideas but they're tenuous at best. But whatever it is, it'll be me.

So maybe I'm learning something in this training after all. I just
wish I knew what...